I believe i wont die so easily.

18th august 2011- its already 1 year i worked with MRCentre Sdn Bhd. time passes so fast...but i feel so lost suddenly..dont know wanna express to who..just can luah it out here...okay..it has been a long story in this 1 year...i have try looking in many things...go for insurance exam to get a license...hmmm..go for many career talk....and i joined tokio marine...but its hard for me..i have try to met many kind of ppl..but i just cant sell 1...its so hard...maybe its my problem...or my luck is destined to be like that..so what also wont go smoothly....and i join my kai kor fizer doing network marketing...1st i am very semangat wan...but...haiz...i know its my problem...
i have already resign here..and plan to do full time in my NM...but i feel scare and worry sometimes...because i have alotsa comitment..and i still havent give pocket $$ to my family..i felt that i am so useless..sometimes i feel i have no one to talk to..dont have a bf..loolz...imma love failure?? my problem also la...lolz..sometimes i feel so lost and helpless...i feel so weak...i am all alone...but i really need to be strong...i noe i must depend on my own in everything and no one with me no one help me...my family and kaikor anly can give moral support...i know!! so i must be strong!!! and i believe i wont die so easily!!

serena's limitation~

actually...i have my own limitation...i dont like ppl that i close with step over my head without realise it...i will think of what is my fault if i really make that whoever person angry...but sumtimes i cant think of any reason....so now i dont really trust ppl especially very very close to me...i also wont forget words that they used to step me down...harsh...i will never forget...

i also will never wanna rely on comfort zone i used to....never..because it was actully danger zone...

i am who i am...i wont care whatever ppl says about me anymore...

i will fight for my future...i live for myself..

.......

Its Sunday morning......and i feel like blogging...had a really hard feeling...

I tought it's over...i wont think about it again...but when i am in my hometown...i keep thinking about last year CNY...and what's that...MSN SMS with .....asking me when i am coming bek...then asking me what should eat...

When i am on my way bek...i think the moment when we bek from malacca to KL...my heart suddenly so 'sour'...i know i cant tel anyone hw i feel..ppl will think i am weird...it happen alrealy long time ago and its over...but...i am such a idiot thinking things that is useless...

When the TV is showing the PINK PANTER chinese movie..hmm dunno what is the name..rainie and show lo was the main...i listen to those song...i think again...

and i think again...it's imposible to talk to him like last time...it's imposible to msg him whenever i feel like...its imposible i am in his mind even a lil bit...

Yea...i told myself i have already get over...but sometimes i just cant figure out why...i just miss the old feelings....but nothing last forever...

watching people around me all one pair one pair getting together...i feel so ...... i dont want to be with someone that dont give me that feel that .....gave me b4...i just cant...

its lunch time and i feel like blogging~

Just feel like blogging...many things in my mind...hmmm..okay~ i just gt back from kelantan...doing some event as my part time for weekends...i will be going to outstation for some event job to gain some experience...and i am thinking to quit my job in mrcentre here, i feel lifeless working in the office, sit in the office...doing these job...i am not belong to this...i want to move around meet new people do events be more active and not doing the same thing in office everyday with 2000 per month...what can i do with this much of $$...

While working in Kelantan, i meet my bro,Kevin...he told me to have a look with many things that can bring benefits to me in this word.. such as forex, tokio marine insurance thingy, and many many more...he say if i forever work for ppl..makan gaji...when i reach certain age i will regret...and ya i am thinking and start to make some move edy...i will follow his brother to have a look in tokio marine thingy...

sometimes, its better to remain silent..i know when i sound out...things wont be settle...i dont feel like mentioning some other matter that pissed me off..ya..i gt my limit..so its better to just dont bother and dont care about things tht i tough it is meanful and important to me anymore because all ppl are selfish...only my own family is not..no point i hold things to tight...

what i will do now?? i will take this year to look around...look at direct sales...mlm those kind of things...just look around and gain more wilder knowledges as what my bro told me...one day..i can change what i am having now..i hope i can do it, i just dont want to say only...i hope i can do it...even though i have no one now....i mean no one that i can be trusted anymore...i will depends on my ownself to achieve what i want...

But i feel like change to event company than staying in this place...i just dont know...once i change, i dont have time even for myself..need to work on some weekends as well..need to work until late midnight...but this is what i want...at least i am bz and wont be emo-ing always...hmmm hmmm....

THings that i tought it exist all this while is just an illusion...

last time, for these year..i tought u were sincere...i tought when u so good to me it was real...i tought magic will happen..i tought you were the one...i tought you are the one..so i decided to give you my everything...when i say i dont trust...you make me trust you so much...and i keep thinking of you no matter what i do...no matter where i go...what i seen...what i eat...i also will think of you...even the gap between me and you getting far n far day by day...i feel you not that good anymore but i keep think a reason for you...i tought this is what should i do and be patient...i tought one day you will want to...i keep wait wait and wait...sometimes the reason make me hold so long because i tought you still care...i tought even you dint find or contact me...your heart at least still gt me a lil bit...but...now i realize it is just my illusion and the truth...

you sometimes care is because you felt guilty when you dint find me cuz i treat u good...
because u want to be loved and liked...you feel proud...
because you are selfish and i dont realize that...
you are a jerk...

why you still will want to go malacca with me...
why you will celebrate your bday with oni me?
why you.............
why???

even it is past tense...but forever there is a scar in my heart...tears will suddenly come at night..

my mind is gonna burst!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so bored with my life... now i understand...last time when in scul life i always complain wanan work and said scul life is so stress and boring...but those adult will say...aiyo...when u r in working life...u will know how stressful and bored...everyday work then go bek sleep then work sumore the next day...its like a circle of life..lolz...now i really understand..ya i am lucky i gt this job...boss not always here...and i am the manager of this company with my own office room...but sometimes boss not always in the office will make me take things for granted...i will always delay things i suppose to do...will lazy.....then the saLary i get here is just 2000...ya..maybe to other ppl i am very lucky at least i gt 2000...but to me...i dont feel it is enuf...and i wanna earn more!!! i want to change to event company...i am thinking to resign...but i am worry that once i leave my company...another company, what kind of conflict i am gonna face...and i am worried that i will regret...

at this moment..i am doing well...but i will complain its too bored to work here and i keep doing the same thing everyday at the same place and i dont have the space to improve and explore myself....i just feel so bored...i am like that...born to this world and just know how to complain~~~~~ but i cant help myself...i like to complain...i want to be a better human!! i feel so sucks now....i dont hope to just earn 2000 and sit in a office room every mon till fri...but of cuz i dont hope to be at home everyday too...i want to be a very bz woman so that can distract me from thinkin too much....sumtimes is not i want to think about the unhappy things that happened...but when i am alone i really cant control and will think about it and 'lo fu lei san'....what is the point..now i am planning to resign...but i have to give at least 2 months notice b4 resign...n now i am waiting for my boss to come to office today...i dont know want to tell ont...or wait till i get a job 1st...i really tak tahu macam mana la.....haizzzz!!!!

something in my mind~

you are just a fucking sales man that sell camera in lowyat...why am i so in luv with you b4...just because you treat me good for less than 1 month...and in that period...make me fall for you??? i dont look at what you have...even when you fetch me with your old car i dont mind...even you dont have a car i dont mind...even i know everytime is i go fetch you from your house...i dont even mind...because i am sincere...i am serious...and..i am too naive....but things change really very fast...everything change in just a second...2day i have make a decision to message you to be friend not because i still care you...not because i stil love you...is because i dont want to have something uncomfortable inside...because i wanna forgive and forget everything that happen...at least i can....but...1 sorry also i dont even received....just take everything as my bad luck knowing you...now i realise you are not important at all...and you ruin my year 2010..making me unhappy...

Friday 19/11/2010~~~

its a good day today, i feel so fresh~~ In this few days i have been practising a very very healthy lifestyle...sleep before 12AM EVERYDAY!!!! and after work i went home to have some rest and then heading to gym~~ and i am consuming herbalife product too!! ermmm...because i am so pressure la fat edy!! feel lagi emo...so i spent RM 732 to buy and it can be consume for 1 month.

Lemme try 1st~~ i am very motivated now~~

And i have done all my work edy...just need to find new client to rent 2 more office space...this make me kinda pressure because November onwards that 2 rooms will have no one and company will earn less $$. Need to do something. But ntg i can do since i am waiting for 2 clients respond as they are still pending with their in-charge person to make decision.

And now i am very free before the month end...Its still nconsider as middle month. I am very very very free~~~~

Day 1

drink drink and drink...go toilet go toilet go toilet~~ gambateh~~~

no more~

u're not worth for even one drop of my tears. i will take this as a lesson.

......

this is my personal blog..what i wanna write here is my business...i just wanna express it here...this is my blog!

wednesday morning...

i have lotsa friends and people...but i feel that...i am always alone..i need to be mentally stronger...and i know if there is anything happen, people will run 1st..rather than think of u...this is the fact of life...

yeap..i bought my LV to make myself feel happy...but what is the point?? just short while happiness.....really dont know what is the point...i know...human that always complain wont be happy...but maybe i am born to be like that...ookay..i accept this fact...

......................

yesterday, when i out to yumcha with one of my babe..siew qi...sooo long never meet her since the microsoft job...then i went to her hse to fetch her...because she was one of his friend also...and she did mention about him...when i listen his name..again my heart 'PAK!!!!!' what the hell...lolz...she said he edy bought his new car...and also...she did mention...gt once they wanna go club but he did not want to go because he know muh friend gt go and in her eyes he is a bad guy...when i know..i am speechless...maybe he will think that i talk bad about him infront of mine n his friend also....i dont know what he think...or maybe himself think that he very bad now...maybe he felt bad...i dont know...i just know,things happen like this..i also dont want it to be...maybe is my fault...i just feel like saying thousand of sorry to him...i make him feel himself very bad....

i just feel like wanna message him and say, i am sorry for what i did...things happen i also dont want it to be...and sometimes i really cant control my emotional...i know i gt attitude problem that causing some irritation to him...i know after that thing happen...he might feel 'fan' or maybe not at all...i dont know also...i know i had text him in my last msg and say i wont msg o col o find him anymore...but i just feel like saying sorry to him and say that he is not a bad person...he is not...he just too kind until dont know how to reject...and treat people vr good, maybe in this matter he dont know how to handle.. i just cannot accept the reason he gave me that day oni...if he say other reason i ok de!! now things seems like he is a bad guy...i reli dont know how to settle this...i very not 'an xing'...i know we are impossible...i know ntg worth to think anymore...i just dont want him to feel uncomfortable by thinking people might think he is bad or what so ever...how.......should i do something........i dont want this to happen......

FOOD is my ENEMY!!!

Okay~ 2molo 1/11/10, i must start my diet plan edy...no matter how hungry i must tahan until this year end...i am getting fatter because of??? i always go to GOD!! and i never go to gym...shit la this time..i need to!! FOOD is my ENEMY start from now....SAY NO!! shit la...damn pressure...and also i am working in office and always sit...face pc...thats y!!! i am fatty pig!!! no way!!!

5AM!!!

just got back...damn fucking drunk!!

29/10/10 - 3.18pm

ohw goshhh...i am so damn headache...doing research from another both virtual offces company for my coming company brouchure...damn it, hw can compare...people's company so damn high tech...the website also damn nice...pening kepala la...how i wanna improve our company standard?? hmm hmm i am thinking and trying to figure it out...zzz....actually i have already done my brouchure...but damn simple!! but however i must do it...i wanna improve my company standard!! as a manager here !! hahahahaha!!! syiok sendiri...but who cares...nobody noe my blog and this is only for me to write whatever i want!!! yayayaya!

and.....2nite is partey nitezz again!!! phuture!! i wanna drunk drunk drunk kaw kaw!!! i wanna dance dance dance kaw kaw...because i wanna throw away all my unhappiness!!!!!!!!!!!! i am gonna shake shake shake like nobody's business!!!

love urself before love others~

i need to pamper myself more..i need to love myself more..i need to sayang myself more...

reject job throw away$$$~

okay~ justnow received sms from my Olympus in-charge asking me to work this saturday and sunday at lowyat...yeap..i actually wanna work for weekends and looking for part time to find more $$$...but at lowyat?? i cant...i think i forever also wont go lowyat is not necessary...so..ya...just reject this..

it's time to move on...

ok..its time to put down...it's time to let go...its time to say good bye...its time to accept that our 'friendship' is very short, 21/12/2009-28/8/2010...its time to accept the fact that that person is happy with his life now...its time to know that i should not even bother him from 1st...its time to accept that he wont care me anymore...its time to avoid myself from thinking him..where,what,how, is he...is time to let go..just take everything that never happen before from the start...just take it as a dream...

imma weird creature~

people said...i am stubborn...why i still emo because of a heartless guy who dont even care about you anymore...people scolded me...stupid...why treated you like that played your feeling you still want to think of him...why because of him your mood will always got affected...and it will also affect people around me seeing me like that...sometimes i know people might think i am a weird person...maybe yes...i am a weird creature that live in this cruel world...i will never do it for another...i only stupid for once...for one person...that's it...maybe that is my problem...thats why he throw me away from his life...