THings that i tought it exist all this while is just an illusion...

last time, for these year..i tought u were sincere...i tought when u so good to me it was real...i tought magic will happen..i tought you were the one...i tought you are the one..so i decided to give you my everything...when i say i dont trust...you make me trust you so much...and i keep thinking of you no matter what i do...no matter where i go...what i seen...what i eat...i also will think of you...even the gap between me and you getting far n far day by day...i feel you not that good anymore but i keep think a reason for you...i tought this is what should i do and be patient...i tought one day you will want to...i keep wait wait and wait...sometimes the reason make me hold so long because i tought you still care...i tought even you dint find or contact me...your heart at least still gt me a lil bit...but...now i realize it is just my illusion and the truth...

you sometimes care is because you felt guilty when you dint find me cuz i treat u good...
because u want to be loved and liked...you feel proud...
because you are selfish and i dont realize that...
you are a jerk...

why you still will want to go malacca with me...
why you will celebrate your bday with oni me?
why you.............
why???

even it is past tense...but forever there is a scar in my heart...tears will suddenly come at night..

my mind is gonna burst!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so bored with my life... now i understand...last time when in scul life i always complain wanan work and said scul life is so stress and boring...but those adult will say...aiyo...when u r in working life...u will know how stressful and bored...everyday work then go bek sleep then work sumore the next day...its like a circle of life..lolz...now i really understand..ya i am lucky i gt this job...boss not always here...and i am the manager of this company with my own office room...but sometimes boss not always in the office will make me take things for granted...i will always delay things i suppose to do...will lazy.....then the saLary i get here is just 2000...ya..maybe to other ppl i am very lucky at least i gt 2000...but to me...i dont feel it is enuf...and i wanna earn more!!! i want to change to event company...i am thinking to resign...but i am worry that once i leave my company...another company, what kind of conflict i am gonna face...and i am worried that i will regret...

at this moment..i am doing well...but i will complain its too bored to work here and i keep doing the same thing everyday at the same place and i dont have the space to improve and explore myself....i just feel so bored...i am like that...born to this world and just know how to complain~~~~~ but i cant help myself...i like to complain...i want to be a better human!! i feel so sucks now....i dont hope to just earn 2000 and sit in a office room every mon till fri...but of cuz i dont hope to be at home everyday too...i want to be a very bz woman so that can distract me from thinkin too much....sumtimes is not i want to think about the unhappy things that happened...but when i am alone i really cant control and will think about it and 'lo fu lei san'....what is the point..now i am planning to resign...but i have to give at least 2 months notice b4 resign...n now i am waiting for my boss to come to office today...i dont know want to tell ont...or wait till i get a job 1st...i really tak tahu macam mana la.....haizzzz!!!!

something in my mind~

you are just a fucking sales man that sell camera in lowyat...why am i so in luv with you b4...just because you treat me good for less than 1 month...and in that period...make me fall for you??? i dont look at what you have...even when you fetch me with your old car i dont mind...even you dont have a car i dont mind...even i know everytime is i go fetch you from your house...i dont even mind...because i am sincere...i am serious...and..i am too naive....but things change really very fast...everything change in just a second...2day i have make a decision to message you to be friend not because i still care you...not because i stil love you...is because i dont want to have something uncomfortable inside...because i wanna forgive and forget everything that happen...at least i can....but...1 sorry also i dont even received....just take everything as my bad luck knowing you...now i realise you are not important at all...and you ruin my year 2010..making me unhappy...

Friday 19/11/2010~~~

its a good day today, i feel so fresh~~ In this few days i have been practising a very very healthy lifestyle...sleep before 12AM EVERYDAY!!!! and after work i went home to have some rest and then heading to gym~~ and i am consuming herbalife product too!! ermmm...because i am so pressure la fat edy!! feel lagi emo...so i spent RM 732 to buy and it can be consume for 1 month.

Lemme try 1st~~ i am very motivated now~~

And i have done all my work edy...just need to find new client to rent 2 more office space...this make me kinda pressure because November onwards that 2 rooms will have no one and company will earn less $$. Need to do something. But ntg i can do since i am waiting for 2 clients respond as they are still pending with their in-charge person to make decision.

And now i am very free before the month end...Its still nconsider as middle month. I am very very very free~~~~

Day 1

drink drink and drink...go toilet go toilet go toilet~~ gambateh~~~

no more~

u're not worth for even one drop of my tears. i will take this as a lesson.

......

this is my personal blog..what i wanna write here is my business...i just wanna express it here...this is my blog!

wednesday morning...

i have lotsa friends and people...but i feel that...i am always alone..i need to be mentally stronger...and i know if there is anything happen, people will run 1st..rather than think of u...this is the fact of life...

yeap..i bought my LV to make myself feel happy...but what is the point?? just short while happiness.....really dont know what is the point...i know...human that always complain wont be happy...but maybe i am born to be like that...ookay..i accept this fact...

......................

yesterday, when i out to yumcha with one of my babe..siew qi...sooo long never meet her since the microsoft job...then i went to her hse to fetch her...because she was one of his friend also...and she did mention about him...when i listen his name..again my heart 'PAK!!!!!' what the hell...lolz...she said he edy bought his new car...and also...she did mention...gt once they wanna go club but he did not want to go because he know muh friend gt go and in her eyes he is a bad guy...when i know..i am speechless...maybe he will think that i talk bad about him infront of mine n his friend also....i dont know what he think...or maybe himself think that he very bad now...maybe he felt bad...i dont know...i just know,things happen like this..i also dont want it to be...maybe is my fault...i just feel like saying thousand of sorry to him...i make him feel himself very bad....

i just feel like wanna message him and say, i am sorry for what i did...things happen i also dont want it to be...and sometimes i really cant control my emotional...i know i gt attitude problem that causing some irritation to him...i know after that thing happen...he might feel 'fan' or maybe not at all...i dont know also...i know i had text him in my last msg and say i wont msg o col o find him anymore...but i just feel like saying sorry to him and say that he is not a bad person...he is not...he just too kind until dont know how to reject...and treat people vr good, maybe in this matter he dont know how to handle.. i just cannot accept the reason he gave me that day oni...if he say other reason i ok de!! now things seems like he is a bad guy...i reli dont know how to settle this...i very not 'an xing'...i know we are impossible...i know ntg worth to think anymore...i just dont want him to feel uncomfortable by thinking people might think he is bad or what so ever...how.......should i do something........i dont want this to happen......

FOOD is my ENEMY!!!

Okay~ 2molo 1/11/10, i must start my diet plan edy...no matter how hungry i must tahan until this year end...i am getting fatter because of??? i always go to GOD!! and i never go to gym...shit la this time..i need to!! FOOD is my ENEMY start from now....SAY NO!! shit la...damn pressure...and also i am working in office and always sit...face pc...thats y!!! i am fatty pig!!! no way!!!

5AM!!!

just got back...damn fucking drunk!!

29/10/10 - 3.18pm

ohw goshhh...i am so damn headache...doing research from another both virtual offces company for my coming company brouchure...damn it, hw can compare...people's company so damn high tech...the website also damn nice...pening kepala la...how i wanna improve our company standard?? hmm hmm i am thinking and trying to figure it out...zzz....actually i have already done my brouchure...but damn simple!! but however i must do it...i wanna improve my company standard!! as a manager here !! hahahahaha!!! syiok sendiri...but who cares...nobody noe my blog and this is only for me to write whatever i want!!! yayayaya!

and.....2nite is partey nitezz again!!! phuture!! i wanna drunk drunk drunk kaw kaw!!! i wanna dance dance dance kaw kaw...because i wanna throw away all my unhappiness!!!!!!!!!!!! i am gonna shake shake shake like nobody's business!!!

love urself before love others~

i need to pamper myself more..i need to love myself more..i need to sayang myself more...

reject job throw away$$$~

okay~ justnow received sms from my Olympus in-charge asking me to work this saturday and sunday at lowyat...yeap..i actually wanna work for weekends and looking for part time to find more $$$...but at lowyat?? i cant...i think i forever also wont go lowyat is not necessary...so..ya...just reject this..

it's time to move on...

ok..its time to put down...it's time to let go...its time to say good bye...its time to accept that our 'friendship' is very short, 21/12/2009-28/8/2010...its time to accept the fact that that person is happy with his life now...its time to know that i should not even bother him from 1st...its time to accept that he wont care me anymore...its time to avoid myself from thinking him..where,what,how, is he...is time to let go..just take everything that never happen before from the start...just take it as a dream...

imma weird creature~

people said...i am stubborn...why i still emo because of a heartless guy who dont even care about you anymore...people scolded me...stupid...why treated you like that played your feeling you still want to think of him...why because of him your mood will always got affected...and it will also affect people around me seeing me like that...sometimes i know people might think i am a weird person...maybe yes...i am a weird creature that live in this cruel world...i will never do it for another...i only stupid for once...for one person...that's it...maybe that is my problem...thats why he throw me away from his life...

...

please make me stronger...to face the world~

...

kik sam like hell!

heart pain...

what a bad day....yea...i know in my heart i wanted to see him so much...but i dont dare and scare and worry when see him...because i know i will damn pain...so in my mind its better to not to see him that dont have me in his heart...but...its very unlucky that my pc in office gt some problem...and the only way is i need to bring it to lowyat notebook studio...then i meet many ppl there...but i know its not easy to see him...so my worry is not so much...when i step to that place...i dont know why my heart cant stop beating....then when everything settle, i went to basement to take my car...and when i drove out ....wth...i saw him n his friend....i am so shock and my heart non-stop beating....then i think his friend saw me...i think he saw me too...but i am like...look in-front and continue driving...wth...a car is not moving in-front...and i need to stop...this time i think he saw me....i dont know why when i see him...my heart is damn fucking pain .....

feel like crying...

i dont know why..i really feel like crying...i miss him too much...i know there is obviously no point already..he will never find me again..somehow i really hoping...i know this is not right...when i say i know it is impossible anymore...i dint put hope anymore..that wan was just saying out to comfort myself and except the fact...but in myself...i hoping...why....this morning while driving to work, 88.10 radio station...the song he send to me b4 appear...i really feel like crying...why i must accept this cruel fact...in my heart i still very care him...but i know we can not meet..but what is the point..i also dont know why...it is really suffer when you miss and keep thinking someone that you know cant meet and wont find you anymore...really very san fu...very....i tot time pass i can slowly forget...but in fact...not at all...

我知道是不值的...但是，当我经过那些地方..我真的很想念你...你不会知道...你也不想知道...

why....automatically..wil reflect back the moment we spent together there...the 1st place is mcd dataran pahlawan...the table we seat...the places where we stop by to use the toilet there...and i say i am hungry..2nd place is the malacca ship..u suddenly 'ui'? then i asked u..u said why got this here..and i said you dont know gah..lolz..and then when i pass by jonker street...the chicken rice ball shop..i look inside..the table we seat b4..then i remember when u say u sick when i ordered cendol and wanted to share...then the places where we park car..7eleven where u buy plaster when u say ur leg abit hurt because of your new white shoe...then i pass by the places where we stop to drink medicine herbal tea...i know no point thinking..no point edy..because i am already dissapear in ur mind..and i know there is no serena this person in your head anymore...i said b4 i am gonna stop blogging bt u..but i just cant keep whatever i think in my mind..so i just post it here since this is now only for me to see...i know...i wont even can see in future edy..i know..u will have ur own life...i know we never begin b4..i know...is me myself too over..but u really leave a deep memories in my mind..and i know that is ridiculous...

I AM STUPID..BUT STILL NOT 100% STUPID!

Can you please fuck off? things happen on tuesday not under my control..because u cause me drunk...and i just dont understand why am i so drunk but drink not that much...and because of drunk so something happen..and you were so 'HUNGRY & DESPERATE'. Fuck you...you taken my 1st kiss 3 years ago...and now you were trying to take my 'V' away?? Luckily i am not that stupid follow u to ur hse...fuck u..now u asking me out, i know what u want from me..u just havent go until that level with me that day..what u want from me is just sex! fuck u !!! I AM STUPID..BUT STILL NOT 100% STUPID!

22/10/10 - 2.26pm.

why so boring?? because i have not much thing to do since almost done...but still gt abit more i feel lazy...why boring because lazy...why lazy because sien...why sien because no mood to do work today...why no mood to do work because tomolo must follow company trip to malacca...why malacca i dowant...because i really dont feel like going and emo there~

and what am i doing now?? i am blogging and writng mou liew things and bullshiting...why bullshiting because THIS WORLD IS FREAKING BORING~~

Why Life So Hard..Why Human So Complicated.

I want to be good..because i want people treat me equally like i treat them...but the result is not like this...why i always let them make me down...even sometimes friends and family also same...ppl take things for granted...human will change easily...and i am changed because of something make me fucking deeply pain...i am a player now?? i dont go and hope for serious relationship anymore.....but i just know whatever that come just play play and play...ntg need to worry...no feeling involve...no need to get hurt...

19.10.10-9.45am[我不可以想念你.....]

Tuesday morning..my mind is all about...once again...FML...

Can i just reject my Boss for the Company Trip?

i dont know..i dont feel like going to malacca for company trip...why not penang ipoh or somewhere else...i really scared to face that place...many memories that i tot is real b4 from there...but its not real its not sincere...i dont know how...can i reject my boss...but...

i really dont want to go malacca!!!!

company trip~~Malacca wor~~FML~~

i dont know what will happen when i go there this weekend..i comfirm i wont be happy...because i will think of that fellow...but cant reject this company trip...FUCK MY LIFE~ I cant imagine how emo i will be when i past by those places that we went b4..i might not guarantee i will lost control of my emotional..because i scare of that place..its a trauma...i really hope i can overcome this...i wont emo when i go eat satay celup...i wont be emo when i go eat chicken rice ball..pleasee...if GOD give me a wish rite now..i will hope HE make me lost memories for that 2 days....

18/10/10-9.22am.

Dont know why i make this habit already..every morning before start doing my work...i must at least write something here...while driving to work...omg..i met a stupid no moral motor rider..he show me middle finger when i am trying to change to another lane..omg..this small thing he also wanna show..wtf..its a malay guy sumore..but all this while i also have no good impression towards malay..thats the fact and i dont care if i insult them...zzz...i memang tak suka melayu...

Everytime when comes to monday...i feel so zZZZzzz....need to wait for 4 more days only reach friday...sien...Its time to start my work now...bye....

11.31pm-17/10/10

at this time...i already except the fact that you dont welcome me in your life...but still..i feel so.....when thinks of it..because i feel so unexpected when i lost you in my life...no matter as normal friend...weird friend...unknown status friend...i appreciatte every single moment...even u did ask weather we can be friend at the last of our conversation in text msg..but i know that was a kind of respond to be not that cruel...but in fact...and that is the fact...

sunday 17.10.10

my tummy..i can feel more edy...shit!!! later i really need to go to the gym...haizzz...but i eat jor 3 cheese hot dog..MY GAWD~~~

but mummy asked me wanna join them(my sis n my cousie bro)go watch movie onot..i feel lazy..because kinda bored...and when i called my bro jorgen..he is in ipoh!!! who wanna acc me go gym la..sien...

50days...

we not not even friends for 50 days already...very far away...when i read back our chat history in msn i feel so................

saturday morning...16/10/10

hmm..its 11am now...time to change my hair colour into redish..rather than gold...and i am sitting down online while mummy is colouring my hair now...what am i suppose to do later?? i am going to shino's place to do a lil hair cut...and going to 9 wong yeh later...no matter what i must kao chim..i dont care i must~~

why yesterday i dream about that person again??lolz..and what is in my mind now...how is the progress between him n his loved? lolz...

i really hope i wont waste my offday 2day...i hope i dont feel tired then go to my bed again...bless me bless me..Ishh ishh..how long i must wait for my hair colouring to be done..and my mummy still mixing the colour now..very boring and sien lar...

16/10/10-2.36am

miss someone that i should not even think anymore. fuck my life.

Good Friday..

My mood is on~ because its near 5.30pm and gonna fong gong..many things that i need to deal with client is settled!!and.... 2molo is weekend~~ yeahooooo~

~15/10/10 Friday Friday~

seems like everything is going smooth in my career now...many new client os signing up with us. The conflict between the SOP client that bringing us trouble is settled!! The agreement amend by me has been pass to Mr Farshid (ali baba man). Everything is signed..Yeaps!! Mr Wong 'fong sam' edy luh!! and now i can start to call new potential client jor!! at this time 12.52pm, i just open my fb twitter and blogger, because i cant continue to do my work so long facing the boring document so long as i need to amend new agreement for new client.

Friday i feel not so pressure because tomorrow offday..got to think of something to do because i really dont want to waste my offday sleeping whole day at home..but yesterday i ffk my friend that i promise to join them club..i slept very early at 9pm..omg...sleep sleep and sleep...2day muh friend ajak me go mist...lolz..how??thinkin...but i need to go to 9 wong yeh to 'kao chim' since that day i cant pray and go in 9 wong yeh due to my ........

hmm hmm..as time passes..i dont think of that person already..because many things i think back b4..he dont really commit at all...and pretend to care b4 this..dunno what is the reason..maybe mentality problem...lolz...because i think its time to sayang myself rather than other ppl that dont even give a shit about myself...when i am emo i cause my family to be unhappy...lolz so guilty sometimes...but cant control...at this moment i am thinking how to improve my strengh because nowdays i feel so week...always feel tired and sleepy..dont have energy to walk..and my mum say because i always drink too much...she said to me alcoholic drinks is dirty..and my blood is dirty and my tummybecause of that..lolz...i dont think so la...i dont think because of alcohol also..she so lebih jor le...

okla..its time to continue my work now...bye~

lunch alone in the office.

today..the fussy client's customer AML Net...giving me so many so many trouble and headache...keep calling on when i said that the in-charge is not in the office..keep asking this and that..sumore raise her stupid voice..wtf...now i am having my lunch alone..so so so sien...i need to start diet edy..i put on weight edy!!omg...but when i am hungry i cant tahan the hungry nowdays, last time i can why nw cant...zzz...

Thursday,14/10/10-muh busy day..just 5 minutes for me to blogging...

2day...is my really very busy day..this is due to my receptionist on leave and i have to take over her job also..once i reached here...i feel so different..because when i mention about my office light colour warm white make me so sleepy and no mood...my boss called the maintainence to change it into fully white..i am shock..wow he so 'sek' me lea...lolz...fuhh...2day i finally settle something that is kinda sien for me to do it...talk to the iranian client about termination...but still they have a little bit dont agree..sien...i need to amend another agreement...then i need to do expenses record in excel...have to design brouchure for me to distribute in few business centre...hmm hmm...lemme think...opss..i need to update my databased as gt 2 new client is activating their virtual office subscription with us...i need to chase payment from 2 more service office client also..shit la...
But 1 thing, i still dont know how to activate new transfer line for new client and i need to wait for my receptionist to do it...when i call my boss he say i need to learn it because evelin is leaving on next year augt..but when i told him i will reply the client his subscription has been activated..and his phone line can be use from tomorrow onwards...he say'hahaha!! that is the way...Serena, you really improving alot la..' lolz...but i cant go for lunch 2day...need to wait till finish work only can makan..
2nite...hmm hmm..should i go to Zouk or Genting?? i still thinking...i want to go club!! but my tummy!! my beer belly!! so sad la...

life is so short~

when i saw some pictures of the 101010 tragedi...those victims...so pity...RIP~
at the same time..apreciatte ppl that with us now..so that we have no regrets.. becareful on the road also...i dont want 1 of my friends o people that i know to experiance ths kind of incident...please bless all the people..especially peoples that i care...

Happey...

why am i so so happy..because my boss say something that make me feel proud of myself..=) i still remember last time he always say something make me down..because i look dumb dumb de..then he gt say to me before 'har?? you dont know how to punch hole gah?? you dont know you need to fold the paper first gah??' he even said to me this 'haha you are like from kindergarden, need to use spoon to feed geh hor??'. That was my 1st month working...and this is my 3rd months edy...he keep praising me now..lolz!! this is because the previous manager dont need to do anything...she just need to send invoices that is done my the singapore boss to those VOP and SOP clients. And now..i need to make it all by myself..making invoice..calculating the call accounting..mark up everything...amend agreement...collection..and bla bla bla...my boss is bz with his another accounting firm and will not always come..so i need to gao tim all..and many client that owe us payment for few months and we stil servicing them..i found out and chase payment..and the made the payment..
2day..my boss bring me to modesto..and he say many things to me...he say he cant expect at my age..and i am only a diploma holder..he cant expect my progress can be this fast...he say that i am very good and he is glad to have me...i am like his remote control and he just need to make a call and i will settle everything..thats why he only come once a week now..wahaha!! then he say to me that me n him is in the same length now..same thinking...when having meeting with 1 of our client justnow..he is also very satuisfy with my performance..lolz!! he say he meet so many diploma holders my age...he cant expect i can handle my position now..lolz..business manager wor~~ he say not easy...because some troublesome client always creating problem and need to argue~~
hmm hmm...went to 9 wong yeh justnow but cant pray...cant kao chim..haizz..because of ....but at least i gt 'fong sang'...and me and my michelle exchange our name card..her position creative manager~~~ hahaha!!!

Another day of blogging...

2day...when i wake up...i am so lazy...feel like not coming to office..zzz..because many things i have to settle today..i feel so heavy minded...wth...i need to settle some problem with stupid iraq client that rent 3 offices here...they keep argue-ing...said that the amount is not correct la...then wanna extent their termination date..this and that...giving me lotsa problem making me headache...and my bb also gt some problem!!! i dunno why i feel so angry with what i have now!!!nothing that i own now making me happy..all also problematic..i need to call few client to chase them some payment...holly shit!!! i have been doing this few days ago and some call went into voicemail and some is not picking up...but i must do it because i am business manager lea!!! what a nice post!! but salary??Zzzzz...

4.55am Wednesday Morning..

nowdays..i dont know why..i always want to sleep and it turning into habit edy...back from work only i go sleep..just like yesterday i slept at 8..woke up 4.30am..maybe i think when i sleep..i dont need to think of something that make me.....
but at this moment i am thinking...after finish my cup of milk..is time to sleep again...

Almost 5.30pm..

its 5pm now..i wanna leave early because i cant open my eyes already...but i still thinking..why sometimes human's mind can be so complicated??

emo....

i feel so emo...why so emo..because i am so emo...because i am...

Monday Morning.

Sometimes i really feel like banging my head on the wall. Once i reach my office, on my pc...i received an email from stupid client Ms Alicia,AML NET again and again..sei 8 po that always like to complain about our service even its not that really true, her sharp voice make me feel like wanna slapping her.... but i have no idea how to settle this problem because i cant rely on my boss as i am the manager here...to him this is small matter that he expect me to settle by my own...but customer is always right and i cant argue woth that stupid 8po ryte...but i feel like scolding that stupid lady!!!! she is too over!!!
and again and again..i cant block him..unblock again..wth...
i dunno what is wrong with me...
Now i just forward that stupid email to my boss and see what he say...i really have no idea...what to do....i just feel so pressure working here...because i have to manage everything alone...no one will help me..no one will pity me...no one...why life must be so difficult...why???
and my receptionist asked me...why ur face like that lar??? i dont like larr see ur face like that...i really very stress la..i cant control and pretend to be happy u know???
i think i need some counseling consultation...i really feel very hard to go thru my life now...i have many friends..but i dont know why i just feel so suffer la....

The End About You In Muh Life.

From now onwards...i will stop blogging about u...i will take it as i never meet u b4...forget about everything..foreva and eva..n block ur fb and never unblock again.

I am lost!!!

fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u!!!!! i am pissed off!!! because i am!!!
so what if i miss u worry u care u...so what if i think back the past...so what...because u wont even wanna care..u wont wanna know...u dont even care!!! even if i die..u wont know also!!!

please dont ever look back...

No matter what happen...i dont want to think about it...whenever i think about it..i will think about him...no mater what happen in the future..i cant look back...because it brings sadness..n tears drop...dont ever look back...

09/10/10

saturday morning....feel so free..but dont want to waste my offday..need to think something to do....maybe want to go gym later??? but maybe too long dint go to the gym...felt lazy..lazyyyyyy....and my mumy just cook curry chicken for me..i feel so lazy after having out it...because it contain santan...zzz...but i cant imagine i slept from yesterday 9sumting untill today 10sumting...lolz...have a good sleep..but..when i wake up idk why i still thinking about that...i miz that present i received from him..but i throw edy...but that is the only thing from him....

8/10/10

2day i feel so dizzy..headache...not enough sleep..went to club and slept for only 3 hours again..hmm hmm..but i have already use to this kinda life since one and half month ago...but i think i have already make this as my habit..i can run away from club every week..and i feel that i can forget everything when i am there..even drinking is not so good..but i have already use to it...lolz...and i am still noticing his fb every morning...and he is already starting to play foursquare..this is nt gud for me...because i might be curious where is him what is he doing and i will open his fb n see...wtf am i doing...what the hell...when can this end...when...i really dunno..sometimes when i think of it..i still feel kinda pain...and start to think what is my problem again and again and again....but i still very curious weather 1 day i will get to meet him somewhere onot..and hw would it be?? maybe he hates me alot and he wont even care to look at my face..lolz...i am sure this might happen..

i felt really tired no matter mentally or physically...really tired tired and tired...and yesterday when my friend send me back home he speed until 160km and he ask me issit scared???lolzz..i realize that i dont really afraid of death..i dont know why...i think i die early i also dont mind...because this world is too cruel and scary.....

07/10/10

felt so lazy today...hmm hmm...think back what my friends say to me yesterday when yumcha..i feel kinda ryte also..because of want me away from his life..he rather say he is how bad how bad...he is a playboy..he dont mind what i think about him anymore..he just want me get away from his life..kinda pain..but its ok..he get what he want nw...and i say i wont appear in his life..and that is what he want...and i will go on with my own life...and i read his horoscope today..its kinda true..he is self-oriented...self-centered..very very true...however..i think back 1 sentence that ppl always say...if u truely love that person...u dun nid to be with him o her...as long as they are happy..now i feel that he is kinda peaceful and happy without me in his life...i feel this is gud for him too...i send him a song thru email b4...'bu zai hu you mei you yi hou'... we really dont have yi hou edy...but no matter what i hope for all the best for him...

another topic now...i am addicted to the maggi goreng behind my working place here..damn nice...tasty..but its kinda fattening..omg...and why am i writing blog during my working hours..hahahaha...i am kinda lazy today after i settle all the important things such as invoicing and call accounting...but i have to settle certain matters today...regarding clients agreement..but its ok la i just continue writting 1st..cuz its lunch hour nw~~

As time passed by, day by day...my heart not so pain anymore...even when i am thinking bt it...still feel the pain...but not that deep already..time is everything...but i really dont believe that i have fate in love matter anymore...maybe i did something bad in my past life and the GOD punish me??hahaha!!! sometimes my thinking kinda weird also..i will think so much...i also cant control myself la...lolz...but what is my target nw?? i hope i will improve myself in my career...my relation with my boss is getting better..he keep praise me for what i have done...even the previous singaporian boss said that what i did is more than the previous manager...haha more added value wor...lolz...and i feel satisfy..because my boss so sayang me nw..he bring me to hard rock cafe when evelin is having her mc leave...

i hope i will quickly forget him...fully forget..so that my pain also will fully disappear...i thinks that he might hate me now...i dont want that to happen...but i cant control..if he wants to hate me...its ok...as long as he is peace and happy..i dont hope he gt many thing to 'fan' also..

i really hope GOD will bless me in my career now..and also my family...sometimes...my family problem keep appear..i cant control..i hope my family will be peace foreva..the problem dont appear again...

and now...i think its time to continue my work.....

6/10/10

lolz...what a stupid me..i just success to block him and dont want to view him for 1 day oni..what a dumb and stupid of me...wtf am i doing...why i still cant put down this heartless guy?? why why and why???

5/10/10

today, while driving to work...i keep thinking thinking and thinking...issit because of my attitude problem he dont want me...because some how i feel last time we have got the chance..then maybe certain thing i post in fb make him 'fan gam' me...maybe he felt that i am so scary and annoyed...but after that i also think that if he really want me..he wont drag me so long...he wont make me suffer n hurt me..actually i really not desperate want to have a bf..if i am really desperate i would have be together with the guy that go after me when i am working in Low Yat...is because of the feelings i met with this guy..but why is him..i dont understand why...what does his mental thinking about...i really wanted to know badly...when he send that last msg to me...he dont feel anything at all..he dont consider about what i feel...he abit also dont care about what i face n feel..the cruelity...even now...he can act like normal....without me even as a friend also he dont care...abit value of me in him also dont have??? but why after i do so many things for him...why he dont feel it at all..why he so cold blood...why he dont even care to wanna know about me at all..why....
before this...i wait for him to find me..to text me n call me..i wont do so is because i am afraid he might feel i am annoyed..i really care about what he feels and think about me so much...when he call me a while...when he care me abit...i am really happy...when he dont i feel upsad and down...in that period being hang i am so suffer..i keep waiting waiting and waiting...i remember he send me a song called 'ai yu bu ai' and that songs means alot to me...but now...why he so cruel...i never do this kind of stuff for a guy b4...he is the 1st....even i said i like my bestfriend b4..that wan is just like..and we never been thru so many things b4...but me n this guy different...me n him gt many memories that is very meaningful to me...why...because i treasure him...but why he treated me like shit...
yesterday b4 i sleep, finally i blocked his fb...and i decide to never unblock again..because...sometimes things happen i wanted to know so badly..but what is the point after i noe..wont bring me good things also....i might become more suffer...

...

Today, i really feel very fed up...i dont understand why her attitude cant change a lil bit..she always think that she is ryte..this world is belongs to her...i treated her sincerely...i know i need to stand her attitude that not everyone can tahan...i have been trying my best to give in to her...but sometimes she really climb over my head..i am fucking angry!!!
Besides this matter, i feel why am i so useless...everytime i block him...then i go unblock...then when i wanna block back need to wait 48 hours..i really damn hate myself...i hope if can i really can psycho myself so that i can take everything as i never met this guy b4...because he is so cold blood...damn cold...cruel...he dont know how much i use my effort to make him feel confident with himself....he dont know how much i care...he seems like dont even give a shit of me anymore...why human being can be so cruel..i dont understand..i know...human's nature is like that...when a person care too much...the other side wont even care and seems like felt annoyed and if can please dont appear in front of me....but i.....i speechless le..i hate ppl around me now...even my own bestfriend..she is giving me so much trouble sometimes....she tough she is damn fucking care for me...but she dont know things that she do sumtimes is not ryte and might not make me feel happy...why cant i just dont care....i wanted to know why...
frankly speaking, i really feel like giving up....

...

i miss him...i miss last time's him...i really miss that him....

3/10

maybe now..i need to start to take action to block him and never view him again...i really hope i can do it...but i unblock whenever i block him...why?? i really wish i can...

3/10/10

sometimes i really cant control my feelings...i really cant..when i tell ppl around me about him..they sure argue with me, scold me and dont want to listen..but i really cant accept that he can be like dont care...i really dont worth or value to him?? why even as a friend..normal friend he also cannot make his afford...at least he can say even 1 word..even we cant together but lets try to be friend..why...he dont care at all..maybe in his life now..i dont even appear in his mind...maybe he feel i am a monster...scary...and at least now is better without me in his life...and he maybe regret why he went to so many place with me before...even how am i now he also dont even want to know??? but i am wondering how is he now...how is the progress of him with the 1 he like now...or maybe already be couple...how's his working?? everything is fine??? as i know he wont tell other ppl what is his problem...he will kept it inside...i hope everything is fine for him...

...

Until 2day..already 1 month after he said that to me...i still feel he is not like that...i still wonder who is in his heart...he like who?? i dont think he is a playboy..i keep viewing his fb everyday..i hate myself..i damn fucking hate myself..why i cnt put down him...why??? he dont even care about me..why i cant...i feel so suffer..no matter what happen how he hurt me..drag me for so long...in that 9 months..when he find me a bit i feel so happy...when he care me abit i felt so damn fucking happy...i am satisfy if he just care me abit..but why he a little bit also cant..if he dont like me why he wanna give me hope...why he wanna go malacca wit me...why he wanna do all those...i dont understand..i really dont understand...i fucking hate myself now,..i fucking hate it!!! i dont know why GOD make us meet each other...why i meet a stone...human that look like a stone...he seems like what also dont want to care...i dont know why i see so big different in him...last time he is not like that....i dont know why!!!!! he dint even take a little action to find me back even as a normal friend...i dont understand why he can be so cruel....

Happy Mooncake Festival.

Happy Mooncake festival!! had lotsa fun with my precious ji muiss..really lucky to have u gals~

Its gonna reach 5.30pm..i hope as day by day..i will be better than b4..i hope i will not think of him whenever i wake up..mind not heavy..no more emo...time please past fast abit..i know as time past i will heal..all i need is time...but now..i am still in the process..i know i can do it..

I promise to myself..i will never mention about you again, I must forget you. Everytime i recalled all the sweet and good memories we beed thru before even we are not lovers..we never start to be couple before, but you know the msg u send me on 28th aug is very very painful. It has been more than 3 weeks already..but i am still crying whenever i am alone..acting like nothing has been happen between us is very very very painful for me. You dont know, in these 8 months, whenver i feel our gap is getting farer, i will look thru our picture and listen to songs that related to make our gap get closer back. Those past 3 months working in Low Yat, i am hoping everyday so that i can get the chance to see you even from far. I have tried my best not to call or sms because i am afraid you might feel i am annoyed..i am very care about that..so everyday i m just waiting waiting and waiting..whenever you call me i am happy, whever you text me in fb and ask me to go find things to fill my tummy i feel so happy. A little care from you,i am already very satisfy. But when i saw some post from you in facebook, i feel so confused, worry. afraid, scared, thinking thinking and thinking..i am so afraid when i thinbk that you have already fall for another..so i am so lost..i have make a decision to ask b4 31st aug. But..b4 i ask everything, u have already tell me that you are a playboy and dont wait again..at least if i know you fall for other gal i will hurt but i know u were real to me b4 in those past memories..but..it make me think that u were actually treat it as a game...you dont know how painful..really very painful..i swear i wont trust and believe in love anymore..this world is so cruel and scary..

hard feeling..

i dont blame you hurting me..i dont angry..because i believe you were hurt by your ex before too..at least i know this feelings when you go thru....all this matter cant be force..no matter what..i hope he is high confident..know that he is a smart guy..effordable guy..hardworking guy...problem will always solve whenver he settle it...i know maybe he is fucking hate me nw or fan gam why i delete him..and cant be normal friend wif him...but i have to think of myself too..if i be friend..i will more hurt..must understand..we r not ex couple that can become friend..and the things that happen really vr hard to explain...and foreva there's a question mark in my mind..why he wanna involve from starting to care me..to take care me..say those words that make me feel so comfortable..then he wanna tell me he is playboy dont wait for him..my heart is very pain...8 months being drag...and this is what i get...u dont know how much it hurts...i am tired..i am tired of being hurt...i start to dont believe in love anymore..i dont know why i dont deserve to be love...

你不会你不会你不会留残酷让我面对 ...

Please dont wait..i am playboy...

sorry u trust wrong ppl..

dont wait again....

i treat as friend ok....

we cant be a friend?

what is all this shit...i dont believe...somehow there is a story and reason behind but i dont know... i am weak...i cant take it....i rather u say u like other than saying this to me..its more hurt but logic...dont want me in his life can just simply say he is a playboy..i damn fucking hurt...

knife is nt hurt at all....memories??? i am damn fucking pain...

the reality is so cruel...

i just sent a msg to him..i say..wei...i pass jor all my papers...but u know..he dint even bother to reply me...change...everything change~

....

fuhh~~ i pass all my exams...but why i dont really feel happy?? i feel like telling him this..because i still remember is him that always try to remind me to study..but i know he dont even want to know it now..wether i pass or fail..non of his business..why i gt this feeling that he dont want to know about my thing anymore...very hard...life is so hard...hard to except something that dont go my way...this period i feel so unhappy..so emo..ppl can see it obviously..but i really cant pretend to be happy as b4...

....

i really cant take over...every morning i woke up..i feel like crying...my head n mind is so heavy..i keep thinking of him...help me..i dont hope i will like that...its a nightmare...

Sunday morning...

yesterday i have send 1 msg to him..i said..sorry to him cos of my tone f voice that day i spoke to him..i say to him u dont nid to care i go where..u dont nid to know..i just know i wanna return ur key by today!!! sounds like i just wanna end up everything..but in my heart i am vr pain...i said to him that i will drop by low yat and gif it to him 2day..i said i regreted...but then no reply from him... today when i log in my fb..i saw his post..for so long time he did nt post anything..he post...'Pressure pressure pressure!!!y u all still make me more down.....haizzzz'
yeapp...i am 1 of the main ppl that pressure him!! i am the one..i trouble u alot...sorry... 2day is the day to end up everything..once i pass him his key.. it is actually his key...not his bro's gf...i know is his key that really meaningful to him..that shows that he still vr deep to his ex... 2day is everything...the end...

Saturday~~

its saturday nite...all my friends is with their bf..when i called my bro..jorgen, he is even in his gf's hse...but still he coming to find me..without u bunny melissa my life more lonely..He is getting more n more far away from my life... and i am here getting back to my usual life b4 u appear in my life..

.....

i dont want to emo so long...i dont want....

...

very pain....

.............

I know what should i do..obviously i have to do it..i have to slowly walk away...but i just know it is vr hard...i go to fast and to deep..too fast...i am a stupid naive person..whoeva treated me good i feel like he is everything..i am a stupid sohai...many memories..even in a short while 2-3 months..many memories that i never had b4 with the person i truly care for...1st time i experienced it..my heart vr pain..when i recall back all those memory u gave me...i just too stubborn..i cant..i reli cant move on...please bang me on the rock wall....

Super duper hurt~

I am hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt~ Many things u gave me make me feel so pleasure and good for the first time in mylife..but why can the GOD just take it away..i swear i am deeply hurt....